A life without you
by KlikStar
Summary: Cloud had thought they would be together always, that their love would last eternally.  But love is bitter-sweet in that sometimes it is held onto by only one and easily let go of by another.


Another oneshot inspired by a song. I blame my muse for being so depressing and coming up with this idea while listening to Adele sing 'Someone like you' at Christmas. Please play it on loop in the background as you read. It adds to the mood.

Note: It involves Zack and Cloud, but is set in an alternative reality to Crisis Core.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea of the story.

* * *

><p><span>A life without you<span>

They had grown up together; children born less than a year apart yet somehow made for one another like the stars were made for the heavens.

Both had eyes like the ocean, a wondrous rich blue that was filled with honest emotion found in only the purest of souls. Their youth and innocence shinning brightly like a beacon for the entire world to see. Their hair too was so much alike, both unnaturally spiky and wild as if untamed and unkept. Yet not a single product was used to hold such extreme styles in place, the softness of each fine strand testament to this as it would move ever so gently upon to the touch of a passing breeze. The only difference being that where one had locks like that of polished gold, the other had silken waves of obsidian black.

However it was here that the similarities stopped. The pair having hearts filled with nothing but kindness, yet their natures within society being as different as night and day and making both as unique as the sun and the moon. Where one was short and enduring like the young sapling of spring, the other was as tall and strong as the might oak. Where one was shy and quite like the drifting clouds overhead, the other was a storm of noise and excitement wherever he walked. And where one followed with confidence and reassurance the other would lead with purpose and reason.

From early on in life they were together, always sharing the experiences which came with a simple existence and rejoicing in the adventures which were born within them. As children they would play from dawn until dusk, each holding the others hand tightly as they explored the world around them, as their youth and innocence carried them though a life of great wonder and discovery. There were no limits to their time together, only a lack of imagination, as they remained oblivious to the future ahead and lived solely for the moment.

Too soon did the time pass. To quickly was that childhood innocence lost to age and the first steps towards adulthood. The teenage years being the hardest for both of them as they were forced to leave behind the dreams they had formed, as reality doused both with buckets of cold water and let them begin to see what lie on the road ahead of them.

As with all adolescent years came troubles, responsibilities, and love. Hormones began to flow through their blood and it was hard to ignore what was felt when society dictated it was wrong, when the world they were a part of said that it was unacceptable to feel such things for their own gender. They had loved each other regardless, had done so for years as friends, as brothers. But somewhere along the way it had changed and become something so much more. Something so much harder to hide, especially from each other.

They had tried to ignore it, tried to deny the feelings which were not supposed to be, tried to shut away feelings which were frowned upon so harshly. But life was cruel in the way that it was kind, in the way it made them soul mates yet surrounded them with fear of consequence in admitting that love out loud.

Their relationship lasted a little over two years, a secret both held onto so dearly that neither could dare to breathe about it beyond the walls of their bedrooms. They had been each others first, a discovery of wonder and perfection on a dark and stormy night. Their love having been confirmed that night, with a solemn vow before the eyes of Gaia to last eternally, and their bodies becoming one not only in heart, but also body, mind and soul.

Fate however was not so kind, did not bless them as the goddess had done in letting them find each other.

Not more than a year after they had been joined so intimately did they find themselves separated. The month's apart only intended to be a short time, yet leading to the beginning of the end for their love as it brought her into their lives. A fellow student on Zack's course who quickly became more than a study buddy to the ravenet, more than a colleague, and most definitely more than a friend.

Zack studies had only required a year away, a painful yet acceptable experience given that they would have their whole lives together when he returned. His departure, however, was to separate them in a way that neither had expected. Not once had they thought that the time apart would bring such change, that the world would turn between them and new paths would be carved out for their lives in the process. Instead they had made promises to write always, to love forever, and to think of each other every second of the day until they were together once more.

For Cloud nothing changed as the days passed, his life remaining a constant routine as he waited for Zack to return, his love being unconditionally loyal to his one and only. They were each others hearts. They were meant to be, always and forever. Soul mates until the very end of time itself. It was what kept him going when the days were long and the nights were lonely, when the sun didn't seem to shine and the stars were hard to see. It was a mantra that eased his heartache and helped to keep the tears at bay during the darkest of hours.

Time passed slowly and before the blonde knew it a year had come and gone, yet Zack did not return. His course requiring more time he said, more work he claimed, more dedication he excused. And Cloud gave him that time because he loved without question, because he wanted the other to be happy and have all that life could offer. It made no difference that his own life was put on hold throughout, that he held himself back from so much as he waited for the one he loved to return.

And then came the day when Zack returned, his year away having turned into almost three, with Cloud having waited for him in silent suffering and loneliness. His phone calls having gone unanswered for months, his letters ignored for even longer, his heart unable to let go though his head had started to know better. But the soul is a delicate thing and once shown that it was born incomplete is desperate to be reunited with its other half. The cold tendrils of dread which flowed through the blonde's body sensing a reason to fear the truth as the hour of their reunion drew near, even as his heart continued to beat in excitement for it.

Zack's beautifully blue eyes had barley looked his way at the welcome home party, let alone held them, and Cloud had felt an agonising grip take hold deep within his chest as a radiant young girl followed his distant boyfriend into the room. He watched unable to look away as Zack's wonderful smile was directed at her, at the girl with chestnut coloured hair and eyes as green as grass in springtime. His breaths becoming shorter and harder to take as she was introduced to the ravenet's parents and was welcomed into the family with open arms, as her hand was lifted up and a glittering band of gold was displayed for all to see.

It was in that moment that the blonde's soul began to crack, that his mind formed a fortified wall around itself to protect what little was left of his heart. He couldn't accept what he was seeing, wouldn't accept what couldn't be real. This was just some dream, a nightmare, a terrible mistake due to a head trauma he couldn't remember receiving. Yet the smiles around him were so bright they were blinding, the cheers and laughter so loud they were deafening, the congratulations so heart-felt and joyous that he was drowning.

It was clear to see now that where Cloud had held on to their love, Zack had let it go. Where the blonde had remained faithful to their secret vows, the ravenet had not. It made their promises to each other empty, made the things they had shared meaningless, made the love they had sworn to each other worth nothing.

He'd left then, had turned and fled from a world that wasn't real, that wasn't allowed to be real. His love had not come back, not like this, not with a fiancé on his arm. The blonde's mind raged that it had to be an imposter, that his real love had somehow been replaced or bewitched by the girl at his side. Zack was his, had been his since the day they first met, from the day they took their first steps together as infants, since the first stumbling words of childhood friendship and then through the shared confusing experiences of adolescence.

Had their time together not meant something? Had the secrets they kept together not been important? Had the love that they felt for one another not been real? Cloud's only hope was that Zack had simply forgotten, that the time apart had somehow affected the others thoughts and feelings, that a more private reunion would help him to remember what they'd had and bring them back together once more.

Heart-ache and heart-break were soon found to be very different things for the blonde. The first being a discomfort within the heart which could be argued with, whilst the latter was simply unimaginable pain. A week had passed before they could talk, before Cloud was able to approach his lost love and ask why she was here, why Zack had felt the need to be with another. The reply had been so cold, so cruel, so uncaring of his own feelings, even though it was spoken with a sympathetic tone. Words of empty apology and meaningless excuses slipping like poison from Zack's lips and each one cutting through Cloud like a knife through butter, his heart being carved to pieces by the sharpest of steel as it took in everything that was said.

They never spoke again after that day, never even set foot upon the same street. It hurt Cloud too much to continue walking in Zack's shadow, to know that he'd already wasted his life waiting for the other to return only to find out Zack was no longer his. They were never again to be two parts of the same whole, no longer the sun and the moon endlessly bound together in a celestial sky but instead separated like light and dark never to be whole again. And yet, as much as he'd hated it, Cloud had still watched and waited. His soul unwilling to give up on the love it had known and still needed. His heart unable to beat for another and unwilling to even try when approached, the promises they had made to each other all those years ago still too strong within his mind to let them go completely.

The day he received their invitation was the day the truth finally began to sink in, the expensive paper seeming to shine in the daylight and mock him with the words it held within. Elegant gold script had formally invited him to the funeral of their love, Zack's name alongside hers on a wedding invitation looking so beautiful as it publically announced the death of all his dreams for their future together.

He'd gone of course, how could he not when it was Zack? The other had been his love, his life, his reason for living. His world had slowed to a snails pace when the ravenet left and then ground to a complete halt upon his return. It was a foolish man's dream that the wedding might be called off, that Zack might look up and see him across the room and remember, that the ravenet would change his mind and walk away from the girl he was about to marry.

But Zack hadn't even looked at him once the whole time, hadn't taken his eyes off the beautiful girl in white that stood before him at the alter, and Cloud had remained at the back silently chocking on the tears which he refused to let fall as they swore vows of eternal love to each other. As the pair were made husband and wife before him and his last chance of happiness died in their arms.

That night he packed a bag and left, unable to remain in the place where his world had ended and his life had lost all meaning. He couldn't understand why Zack had chosen her over him, what the girl had given him that Cloud could not. Was it simply the restrictions of society which had led to such a betrayal, the expectation to find a wife and raise a family which drove the other into her arms? Or had their love truly died during their time apart? Had it not been strong enough to endure the years away from each other? Or worse yet, had it all been a lie from the very beginning?

Unable to find the answers to his questions, and unwilling to hear them spoken from the lips of the one he loved Cloud moved on. No one was to know of what had been between them all those years ago, or what they had shared behind closed doors. The secrets they had formed remaining with the blonde always as he travelled the world trying to get back the life which had been lost waiting for a future that could never be.

People, places, names and faces became a blur as the weeks became months and the months became years on the road. His parents hadn't understood his sudden need to go, nor his reluctance to return, and constantly voiced such concerns when he called to let them know that he was still breathing and where his wandering feet had come to rest for a while. He never told them of course, never let them know that their son loved men, that he'd loved one man in particular until that love could be no more. It was hard enough to be a disappointment when he'd failed to meet their expectation all those years ago while waiting for Zack, to know that even now he didn't fulfil their dreams for him. But life was cruel in that way, in that it never gave you what you'd hoped for, in that it allowed you to see so many wonders and yet feel so alone in being unable to share them with anyone else.

Years later Cloud found himself home once again, his aimless wandering having taken him in a full circle back to the beginning. Zack was older now, his handsome face aged by time and yet somehow made to look more beautiful because of it. His wife too seemed to have been blessed with eternal radiance, her features remaining just as soft and youthful even though they were now both in their late thirties and parents to teenagers of their own.

Perhaps it was fates way of apologising for its hand in pulling them apart when Zack looked up and ocean blue eyes met those of sky blue, the lives they had led changing not only the men but also the souls within them. And for a moment in time they were young again, two innocent boys keeping a secret love between them and only able to share that love with a look of longing and heart-felt emotion.

It was the briefest of glimpses into each other that the pair had shared in almost two decades, a chance to say all that was felt without a single word passing between them. For Cloud it was an opportunity to let Zack know that he'd finally accepted the truth, that he now understood why the ravenet had moved on and chosen this life with another, and why they had never stood a chance from the beginning. Why the blonde may have physically been the weaker of the two of them all those years ago, his heart and soul had clearly been the stronger between them.

For Zack it was a chance to see how the sun had ceased to shine in Cloud's eyes, how the brightness that had once existed within the blue had dulled and would never be able to light the world again. He saw the hurt his actions had caused when he'd betrayed the love they shared and how the wounds created upon the blonde's heart had scared making it impossible for any other man to find a place there. He found himself looking upon the face of an angel and seeing a broken soul in human form, the memories of promises made quickly filling his mind and the secrets they had shared whispering through his thoughts making his own heart ache as a lost love was shown to him once more.

A voice calling from the house behind him drew the ravenet's attention from the other, his ocean coloured orbs flickering away for no more than a second to look behind him. Yet, when he turned back round Cloud's tragically beautiful smile was gone. A stranger's back now facing him as someone he'd once known intimately walked away one last time. The unspoken forgiveness he'd unknowingly needed for so long from the other, finally lifting the heavy burden of guilt and regret from upon his shoulders.

A second voice calling his name once again drew Zack's attention, thou this time he didn't look away from the retreating figure before him. His gaze remaining fixed upon the blonde until there was nothing else left to see, Cloud's departing form having become little more than a dot on the horizon and marking the end of all that both had silently held onto through the years. Only then did Zack turn away, one last promise to never forget Cloud or what they'd had passing his lips before he returned to the life he now lived with another. A life, he should have shared with his soul mate.


End file.
